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Saturday, November 16, 2013

The Ahwatukee Hillbillies

I wrote a song about my new next door neighbor.

The guy has been warned numerous times that he can't do major repairs on his car in the complex.  Last time he did, there was a huge gasoline spill.  The odor lingered for three days.

They just don't know how to be neighbors.  Slamming their front door at all times of the day.  Cigarette butts all over my front walkway.  Yelling at their kids in the entry way.  Speaking of the kids, I have yet to see a single toy.  They have four kids sharing one bedroom, between three mattresses.  And, I've never seen a sheet on any of the beds.  (Their blinds are open a lot.)

Earlier this week, he waited until five minutes after six, then put his car up on jacks and worked on it all night.  The complex's office closes at six.  Not only that, but he parked a beat up car that had no registration out in front of my apartment.

I'm not trying to be snooty.

It's just that it was neighbors like him that made us move from our last apartment complex.  At our old complex, our next door neighbor was an escort.  Literally.  An escort.  Three different times, her pimp kicked her door in and beat her up.  There was also a group home for mental patients that rented out a dozen units as halfway houses.  We had neighbors that had signs around their necks, telling people not to talk to them or look them in the eye.

We've worked our asses off to be in a neighborhood in a better part of town.  And, we want to stay here. The good news is that our complex's manager has served him with a ten day warning.  Another single complaint from a tenant in the next ten days, and he's getting evicted.  Oh, and they towed his car.

So, without further adieu, I present 'The Ahwatukee Hillbillies'  (Sung to 'The Beverly Hillbillies' theme)

Let me tell you all a story
'Bout a guy named Chuck
He's poor white trash
And he just don't give a fuck 
My life was great
Couldn't ask for much more
Till Chuck and his girl
Moved in next door
(Moved out of the trailer park)
(Six people in a two bedroom apartment) 
Now, Chuck and his kin
Been aggravating me
You could say my neighbors
Aren't acting neighborly 
My entry way's covered
With his cigarette butts
And, to be completely honest
Shit's drivin' me nuts 
(Absolutely livid)
(About to go apeshit on his ass) 
Out working on his car
In the middle of the night
Keeping us awake
And you know that isn't right 
Said if the manager
Doesn't get him out of there
I'm putting his ass
In intensive care 
(Hospitalize the motherfucker)
(Bludgeon him with a cricket bat)  

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