Is Disney Sexualizing Cinderella?

A couple of weeks ago, Disney revealed a poster and teaser trailer for their live-action Cinderella movie, coming in 2015.

My wife and I had the same reaction after seeing the trailer.  "When did Cinderella become a stripper?!?"

In fact, if you do a Google image search for "glass stripper shoe", not only will you get the above photo as a result, but you'll get a number of results of real world shoes that look very similar:

Now, if anyone is qualified to identify stripper shoes, it's me.  Before fatherhood, I made a living as a strip club DJ.  I have seen some of the most creative (and tacky) pairs of heels ever made. Oddly enough, I'm not the first to make the comparison.  The blog posts that I've read on the subject either blame Disney, or our society in general, for the gradual sexualization/pornification of everything under the sun.

Disney found themselves in hot water last year, when they released plans for a sexier Merida to be used in print.  After receiving thousands of complaints, they quietly removed the illustration from their sites.  The new and improved Merida had a lower cut dress, exposing her shoulders.  She also had wider hips.  Personally, I found the entire thing ironic, as her character in 'Brave' was one of the only Disney "princesses" that spent her time doing something other than swooning over a boy. In fact, Merida's character was so uninterested in the young men vying for her affection, that it created a massive online discussion over her sexual orientation.

Let's be honest here.  Disney, either intentionally or inadvertently, has been making their teen-aged princesses "sexy" from day one.   If you have any doubts, try watching 'The Little Mermaid' now without feeling uncomfortable. Hell, look at the original Cinderella, which Disney made in 1950. Remember the scene where Cinderella changes?  Was that necessary for the plot?

More importantly, did you notice the feet?  Cinderella and her stepsisters, Drizella and Anastasia, were relatively the same height and build.  But when her stepsisters tried on the glass slipper, you would think that Shaquille O'Neal was sitting there in a dress.

However, when Cinderella went to try on the slipper:

Her feet were drawn unrealistically tiny.  They're so small, in fact, that they can fit into a single hand of the prince's servant.  It's no secret that men find small feet sexually attractive.  Chinese women figured that out in the 10th or 11th century, and spent the next thousand years binding their feet, to make them as small as possible.

Of course, it nearly impossible to point the finger at any one group or any company in particular.  As our society has focused more importance on our physical appearance - it practically determines your worth as a person - has Disney just followed the trend?  Or, are they a willing accomplice in creating such a shallow society?  After all, they have an eighty year history of creating protagonists that you would want to screw, and villains that remind you of your mother-in-law.

I can tell you one thing:  Little girls want to wear what their heroes are wearing.  They don't have the ability to process common sense at their age.  They're not going to look at that Cinderella poster and think, "Those heels look ridiculous.  No wonder she left one behind.  How are you even supposed to dance in those things?".  They're going to see those "slippers" and immediately say, "Daddy, I want high heels". (Which my six-year-old has already done.)

And, I'm not going to do anything that will encourage those thoughts.  Even if it means having my daughter miss out on watching a Cinderella movie.

Of Hamsters And Little Girls

Lennon and George were friends.

She named him George after watching the cartoon with the Abominable Snowman and Bugs Bunny.  "And I'll love him, and squeeze him, and call him George, and pat him on his little head."  I didn't even make the 'Of Mice and Men' connection (Lenny and George) until long after we got him.


George died last week.

I walked up to start cleaning his habitat, and saw him balled up in his giant ferris wheel.  I thought at first that he might be sleeping.  I moved the wheel around a bit, and he just tumbled around inside.

We had George exactly nine months.  When we got him, we were told that most dwarf hamsters live to be about two years old. George was attacked by another hamster at the pet store, so they weren't expecting him to live to his full life expectancy. We prepared her for his death from day one.  We explained that the smaller an animal is, the shorter their lives are.

Six-year-olds can't process grief.  Lennon paced around the living room for a few seconds, and said, "He was a good hamster".  Then, she cried for a total of maybe thirty seconds.  She wiped her eyes, and the only other mention of the subject was that we should throw him away, before he starts to smell.

Meanwhile, I found myself getting choked up quite a few times thinking about him.  And, I sobbed.  All the way to the trash can outside and back.  He was a neat little guy.  We enjoyed having him in our home.

I would like to think that my funeral is kinder than George's.  Then again, I hope that when I die, I'm not lodged inside a plastic tube, with no way to be fished out.

I'll have to remember that before getting on any water slides.

I'm Still Here......Barely

It's been a rough couple of weeks.

I'm having a flare up, either with my lupus or the Sjogren's, and it's kicking my ass.  I'm constantly in pain, and the brain fog is really messing with me.  Most times, I can't put a complete sentence together.  It's frustrating.

Add to that having our kindergarten graduate home for the summer.  I'm trying to be the best dad possible, and we're having a few little "field trips" per week.  Every Thursday morning, we're watching a movie at a local theater.  Tuesdays are library days.  Monday is museum day.

Then, to top it all of, I have been having so many problems with my laptop.  I was without it for two weeks, while it was getting repaired.  Had it home for two days, and it seems like the A/C connection isn't working.  Also, the computer isn't recognizing the battery.  This time around, I'm sending it in directly to HP for repairs.  I received the packaging today, to send the unit in.  They estimate it being back to me in 7-10 business days.  Another two weeks without this thing.  Blogger leaves you with some really shitty options to use if you're not around your computer.  Their Android and iPad apps suck.  They make it nearly impossible to post any video or photos.  And, let's face it, text only posts (like this one) are boring.  But hey, you work with what you've got.

The family hamster died over the weekend.  I'd like to write about him while I can still remember the little guy.  Ha ha ha.  That sounds pathetic.

Such is my life....

The Chronicles Of Ridiculousness

Six years ago, I was sitting in an uncomfortable rocking chair, trying my best to fit my 6'4" frame into a piece of furniture meant for someone much smaller.  My wife, Jessi, was laying in the bed next to me.  She had been lying there for three days, on a mattress no thicker than a phone book.  

We checked into the hospital on Thursday at 10PM.  They started to induce her right away. Over the course of the next three days, the midwives had attached every possible wire and cable to my wife. Even if she wasn't wired up like a home theater system, her epidural limited Jessi to her hospital bed, and by extension, me to my fragile wooden chair. 

At one in the morning, there isn't anything entertaining on basic cable.  It's amazing how many episodes of 'The X Files' you can watch, when your only other option is infomercials. And, when they stop showing 'The X Files', you find yourself voluntarily watching 'The Chronicles of Riddick' for the third time in 48 hours.  

Movies don't accurately prepare you for childbirth.  They don't show you the kinds of complications that you'll experience.  They don't prepare you for the incessant waiting. 

They don't tell you that your wife might have a panic attack.  Or two.  And, they don't tell you about the blood. So much blood.

I didn't enjoy Jessi's pregnancy the first time around. In fact, I was a complete mess. I worried myself sick, unsure of myself and my abilities as a father.  I was terrified that I wouldn't know what to do. That I would repeat the mistakes that my father had made.  I had always been around children, but was uncomfortable with the idea of being responsible for one.

Then, as they were weighing my screaming newborn daughter, I leaned over her and said, "It's okay baby girl.  Daddy's here."  She instantly went silent, turned towards me, and I swore she smiled. In that moment, everything changed.  I went from panicked and afraid, to confident and secure. I had this. I was a father. And, I was going to be the best damn father on the block.

Happy birthday to my AMAZING little girl. And, happy Mother's Day to the remarkable woman that brought her into my world.

I'll See Your Uneducated Wife, And Raise You My Four-Year-Old

I was looking through some old cell phone videos, and found one that I took of Lennon, asking her the mph question.  In December of 2011, Travis Chambers uploaded a video of him asking his wife Chelsea a fairly simple math question.  She failed miserably.  The video went on to receive nearly 10 million views.



In April of 2013, a month before my daughter's fifth birthday, I asked her a similar question.  And, the little booger got it right.



In all fairness, I realized later that I asked her a different question than the one in the original video.  I asked, "If the car is going 65 mph, how far will the car go in one hour?"  He asked, "If you are traveling 80 mph, how long does it take you to go 80 miles?"

When I asked the question today with the same wording that Chambers used in his video, Lennon said, "Two minutes."  So, technically speaking, my daughter isn't smarter than some lady on the internet.  When it comes to this particular subject, at least.  But, she's four.  FOUR.

I say we give her another six months.

Happy Easter

How Far Are They Going?

Every Wednesday, I get an email from BabyCenter, giving me an update as to how big Miss Ruby June is getting.  I get a kick out of the little paragraphs.  "She is the size of a kumquat."  "She is the size of a rutabaga."  None of these size comparisons are especially helpful, seeing that I usually have to Google the fruits and vegetables they're listing.

Today, Ruby is 26 weeks along.  She's the size of a scallion.  (See.  Couldn't they give me something that I use on a daily basis?  I'm not exactly Gordon Ramsey.)  About 14 inches long, and weighing about a pound and 2/3.

For some reason (I don't know why) the last part of the message cracked me up:

 "If you're having a boy, his testicles are beginning to descend into his scrotum — a trip that will take two to three days."                   

A trip?!?!

I have so many questions, now.  Did they plan ahead and pack a lunch?  Does one of the testicles have to call shotgun?  Do you think one of them made a mix tape to listen to on the way?  What happens if they pick up a hitchhiker?

Seriously?  Two to three days?!  I've had trips to Vegas that haven't been that long.

Seriously though.  April is Testicular Cancer Awareness Month.  Don't forget to do a self exam.  Get that shit checked out.

Life Lessons From 'How I Met Your Mother'

(Don't worry.  No spoilers.)

Last night, 'How I Met Your Mother' came to an end after nine seasons.  The final episode seems to have given many fans mixed feelings about the story's end.  Personally, I thought they did a very good job at wrapping things up.  The writers answered a number of our unresolved questions.  Though the show never really jumped the shark, it did have a couple of mediocre periods during it's nine year run.  It was great to see the show end with such a phenomenal episode....even though they never did get to explaining the "pineapple incident".

Over the course of 208 episodes of any show, it ought to be easy to come away with at least a couple of morals from the story.  After watching every single episode of HIMYM since early 2005, I can think of at least a dozen lessons I could jot down from the series.  I'll do my best to limit it to five or six.

1.) Take Chances/Accept Challenges

"It works two out of three times, every time."

Let's face it.  'How I Met Your Mother' would not have been worth watching had the characters not taken any chances.  Whether it be "The Naked Man" or a blue french horn, opportunities will present themselves to take your life into a direction that you haven't previously planned for.  Don't be afraid to step outside your comfort zone, and zig where you would normally zag.  Just don't do anything that could potentially get you arrested and/or have your name put on the sex offender registry, okay? 

2.) Know Your Murtaugh List (Accept Your Limitations)

The "Murtaugh List" was featured in season four.  It was named after the character Danny Glover played in Lethal Weapon, and the resulting catchphrase from the movie:

Ted created a "Murtaugh List", a list of activities he thought he was too old to do anymore.  Over the course of the episode, Barney attempts to complete every activity on Ted's list, with horrifying (and comical) results.

I have many things on my Murtaugh List.  I'll be 39 in two months, and there are many things that I did in my twenties that I wouldn't be able to physically attempt today.  Like, staying up for 72 hours straight at Coachella.  Or, buying general admission tickets for a punk show.  Or, let's say, anything involving a rave. (Do they even have raves anymore?)

There's no shame in knowing your limitations.  Doing so prevents massive hangovers and emergency room bills.   

3.)  Never Settle

Over the course of nine seasons, Ted had been with 40+ women, with varying degrees of commitment.  A couple were simply casual sexual encounters, and some were serious long term relationships.  There were at least four or five women that could have very easily become his wife.  But, they didn't.  They weren't "the one".

There are times in life, especially when it comes to relationships, when you start to think to yourself that you're never going to find that perfect outcome.  Sure, you may find yourself in a situation where you find some of the things you're looking for.  You think that "good enough" is better than nothing.  But, "good enough" isn't a dream come true, and it will always disappoint you in the end.

4.) Marry Your Best Friend

Lily and Marshall are the best example (on television) of a successful marriage.  They were together for more than 20 years, and in the end, were still buddies.  That was the key to their success.  They were the best of friends.  Most relationships tend to get rocky when two people spend too much time with each other.  Marshall and Lily's marriage suffered when they weren't around each other 24/7.

Over the course of the series, their open communication and trust in each other (with a couple of exceptions) set the bar for how married couples are depicted on television.  When you think about it, they were the one great story that came out of the series.  In the end, they had everything they could have ever possibly wanted.  Sure, there were times when their relationship took a step or two back.  But, they were always making progress.  No one was rooting for them to stay together.  No one had to.  No matter how much crap the world threw at them, we all knew they would come out on top, because they had an advantage that no other couple on the show had.  They were partners, lovers, and most of all, the best of friends.

5.)  Life Sucks Sometimes

I'm going to do my best not to allude to any spoilers here.

Sometimes, life has a habit of screwing up your plans.  And, it seems that bad things only happen to good people.  Your reaction to those bad things will determine whether your story ends in tragedy or in a "happily ever after".  

You're lucky if you ever find the love of your life.  Some people are lucky enough to find them twice in a lifetime.  It's all a matter of perspective.

6.) It's Totally Okay For A 38-Year-Old, 6'4", 320 lb Man To Cry Watching Television

That's all I'm going to say on that topic.....

On The Passing Of Fred Phelps

(Shared post with Bl4ck D4ys)

When I had read that Fred Phelps was on his deathbed, I'll be honest, a smile came across my face.

Phelps was the founder of one of the most vile organizations the United States had ever seen.  The Westboro Baptist Church made many Evangelical Christian congregations look tame in comparison.  They had a single message:  Their god was not a god of love, but of hate.  And that, to win his favor, you must hate the world as well.  And, boy did Fred Phelps hate the world.

Phelps and his congregation came into notoriety in the late '90s, after protesting the funeral of murdered gay teen Matthew Shepard.  They proudly stood outside the service, holding signs declaring "GOD HATES FAGS".  In future years, Westboro went on to picket in response to the Columbia disaster, and outside the funerals of fallen soldiers and celebrities.  Their hate was palpable.  Media coverage of their protests would literally put a foul taste in your mouth.  But, for all of the horrible things Phelps had done in his life, he surprisingly accomplished a lot of good.

Fred Phelps changed the way that the world looked at the LGBT community.  Over the last two decades, his actions showed us how ugly it was to be homophobic.  He gave us an example of how we didn't want to be.

Phelps inadvertently created millions of straight allies.  He brought together soccer moms and Hells Angels, anti-war activists and veterans, to work toward a common goal.  He created an environment that made it easier to come out to your friends and family.  Who would have thought that so much hate could create so much compassion.

Shortly before his death, word came that he had been excommunicated by the WBC last August.  The reason for his removal?  Advocating that church members be kinder to one another.  Ironic isn't it?

I would like to think that in his final days, Phelps was remorseful for the pain he had inflicted on so many families over the years. That maybe he had realized that he could have done things differently.  Probably not.  But, if you really think about it, the world is a better place because of Fred Phelps.  And, I'm thankful for that.

When my children are old enough, I'll tell them about Fred and his family.  I'll explain to them how, because one man was so mean to everyone else, he showed the rest of us how to really treat each other.  I think there's a very valuable lesson to be learned in that.  And, it's one that I'll never forget.

I hope your soul finally found peace, Fred.

5 Things You Probably Didn't Know About 'Frozen'

'Frozen' is the most successful animated film of all time.  In late January, it passed the previous title holder, 'Finding Nemo's' $339 million in domestic ticket sales. And, as of today, it stands at just over a billion dollars in worldwide sales. Tomorrow's scheduled DVD/Blu-ray release is only going to add the the fortune Disney has amassed from the movie.  If you have a daughter, you probably already know all the lyrics to 'Let it Go'.  If not, congratulations.  You'll have plenty of time to learn the words, the next 647 times you watch the movie.

Here are a few little tidbits about the movie that you can use to impress your kids, or your significant other:

1.)  Google "of course".

If you go to Google and type in "of course", it will auto-populate with "Of course I want to build a snowman".  Yes, 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman?' has become THAT popular.  In the event that you are unfamiliar with 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman' (I apologize in advance for the poor quality.):

2.) Rapunzel and Flynn Rider make a cameo in 'Frozen'.

If you watch closely during 'For the First Time in Forever', you will see Rapunzel and Eugene come into the frame from the left.  It's immediately after the gates are opened, and just as Anna is starting the first chorus of the song.

 

3.) Keep an eye out for the disclaimer at the end of the credits.

All men do it.  Even princes.  :)

4.) The writers were obviously fans of 'Arrested Development'.

Used in 'Love is an Open Door'. (Again, sorry for the poor quality.):

The Duke of Weselton even does the Chicken Dance:

5.) Robert Lopez, co-writer of 'Let it Go', is only the 12th person to win the EGOT.

EGOT is an acronym for Emmy, GRAMMY, Oscar, Tony.  It's the grand slam of songwriting.  Lopez won a Daytime Emmy for music written for 'The Wonder Pets'.  He won both the GRAMMY and the Tony for songs written for 'The Book of Mormon'. He won another Tony for work on Avenue Q.  And, most recently, the Oscar for Frozen's 'Let it Go'.

 Bonus:

There is a parody of 'Do You Want to Build a Snowman?', called 'Will You Help Me Hide a Body?'...and it is GLORIOUS.  Hopefully this will get you through marathon binge watching sessions.

Merry Christmas

Happy Thanksgiving

Sex, Drugs, and Rock & Roll (Choose Two)

The wife and I went to a concert a couple of months ago.  It was the first show we had been to since mid-2009.  I put a Ziploc baggie of drugs in my sock, to sneak past security at the front door.  This is what I snuck in:

Ibuprofen and fucking No-Doze.  I'll take "Signs You're Getting Too Old" for $400, Alex.

The Ahwatukee Hillbillies

I wrote a song about my new next door neighbor.

The guy has been warned numerous times that he can't do major repairs on his car in the complex.  Last time he did, there was a huge gasoline spill.  The odor lingered for three days.

They just don't know how to be neighbors.  Slamming their front door at all times of the day.  Cigarette butts all over my front walkway.  Yelling at their kids in the entry way.  Speaking of the kids, I have yet to see a single toy.  They have four kids sharing one bedroom, between three mattresses.  And, I've never seen a sheet on any of the beds.  (Their blinds are open a lot.)

Earlier this week, he waited until five minutes after six, then put his car up on jacks and worked on it all night.  The complex's office closes at six.  Not only that, but he parked a beat up car that had no registration out in front of my apartment.

I'm not trying to be snooty.

It's just that it was neighbors like him that made us move from our last apartment complex.  At our old complex, our next door neighbor was an escort.  Literally.  An escort.  Three different times, her pimp kicked her door in and beat her up.  There was also a group home for mental patients that rented out a dozen units as halfway houses.  We had neighbors that had signs around their necks, telling people not to talk to them or look them in the eye.

We've worked our asses off to be in a neighborhood in a better part of town.  And, we want to stay here. The good news is that our complex's manager has served him with a ten day warning.  Another single complaint from a tenant in the next ten days, and he's getting evicted.  Oh, and they towed his car.

So, without further adieu, I present 'The Ahwatukee Hillbillies'  (Sung to 'The Beverly Hillbillies' theme)

Let me tell you all a story
'Bout a guy named Chuck
He's poor white trash
And he just don't give a fuck 

My life was great
Couldn't ask for much more
Till Chuck and his girl
Moved in next door

(Moved out of the trailer park)
(Six people in a two bedroom apartment) 

Now, Chuck and his kin
Been aggravating me
You could say my neighbors
Aren't acting neighborly 

My entry way's covered
With his cigarette butts
And, to be completely honest
Shit's drivin' me nuts 

(Absolutely livid)
(About to go apeshit on his ass) 

Out working on his car
In the middle of the night
Keeping us awake
And you know that isn't right 

Said if the manager
Doesn't get him out of there
I'm putting his ass
In intensive care 

(Hospitalize the motherfucker)
(Bludgeon him with a cricket bat)  

Code Words

Elle is getting too intelligent to have in the room, sometimes.

For the longest time, my wife and I were able to have a conversation.  And, if Elle asked what or who we were talking about, we'd say "Lady Gaga".  I can't believe how long that worked.  After a few months, we got to a point where we would use initials when talking about someone.  When that stopped working, we resorted to spelling certain words out.

Eventually, that didn't work anymore.  So, as a temporary solution, we had to spell things backwards.  Since Elle has started kindergarten, it seems that she has gotten exponentially brighter.  None of our old tricks work, anymore.  

On our way home tonight, J and I were discussing whether to stop for dinner somewhere, or grab drive thru.  

"So, what are your feelings on Inez, Henry, Opie and Peter?"

"Sorry?"

"You know, Ingrid, Henrietta, Oscar and Paco?"

"Oh, I fucking love Paco.  Wouldn't mind seeing him right now."

And that, my friends, is how we decided on having dinner at IHOP.