"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Seriously, ROMEO?!? Where the hell are you? Stop hiding. This isn't funny anymore."
- Romeo and Juliet Act 2, Scene 2
Friday, August 15, 2014
If Shakespeare Were A Dad Act 1, Scene 1
"O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Seriously, ROMEO?!? Where the hell are you? Stop hiding. This isn't funny anymore."
- Romeo and Juliet Act 2, Scene 2
Thursday, August 14, 2014
The Time Freddie Mercury And I Almost Killed My Daughter
To say that I haven't written lately would be an understatement. It's been right at six weeks since my last post. Having a newborn in the home sucks any time, energy, or motivation that you would otherwise have out of the room.
June Bug was born on July 9th. A few days after birth, she developed a nasty case of jaundice. All she wanted to do was sleep. Had no interest in eating. In a matter of a week, she lost 13.2% of her total body weight. The last four weeks have been a constant cycle of high calorie feedings every two hours, and daily weigh ins at the pediatrician's office. She finally caught up to her birth weight this week. We aren't out of the woods, yet. But, things are getting better.
In any event, I wanted to be able to share something on the site, so that, if nothing else, I wouldn't feel like I gave up on my blog.
This is a post I wrote on my other site, in September of 2009, about my first daughter. She was a little over a year old at the time. Thought this would make a great Throwback Thursday post. Enjoy.
"The last few days, every time our daughter says "Mama", my wife and I both say, "Ooh ooh ooh ooh". We're hoping to have her know all the words to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by the time she is two. We're sick like that.
Anyway, my wife was indisposed, and the baby had a poopy diaper. So, I picked up the baby and laid her down on her changing table to be changed. As I am changing her, I start singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. I'm doing the voices and everything. She's loving it.
I get to the "Galileo" part, and I'm zooming in and out in front of her face. She's cracking up. Her eyes are bigger than I have ever seen them. Her mouth is open wide and going back and forth between a smile and a big "O" shape.
By the time I'm singing "Let him go!", I've forgotten about putting the new diaper back on. She's hysterical. She has the hiccups from laughing so hard, and is clapping.
Then comes the greatest line of one of the most legendary rock songs ever written: "Beelzebub has a devil put a side for me...for meeee.....FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Just as I hit the high note, my daughter's face goes from a look of pure joy to "I'm not so sure about this".
Suddenly, thick chunky dark green sludge launched about eight inches out of my daughter's mouth. It covers my arms, my hands, her stomach, shirt, face and hair. My first thought: "HOLY FUCK!". Second thought: "Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix". My daughter was still on her back and she was choking on her own vomit. I turned her over on her stomach, gave her a couple of good thwacks on the back until she started breathing OK, and stood her up.
I was as cool and as calm as could be, like I had done this a hundred times. Any other time, I would have been blowing chunks all over the bedroom, but I grabbed a handful of baby wipes, and started cleaning the little squirt down. This was the first time she had puked and was old enough to be aware of what was going on. I was cleaning her off. She looked at me, slowly looked down at herself, and yelled "Mama". And into the shower she went.
I was so proud of myself. I handled it like a pro. Almost more like a roadie than a dad. Let's put it this way...if I would have been on Janis Joplin's detail, she'd probably still be alive."
June Bug was born on July 9th. A few days after birth, she developed a nasty case of jaundice. All she wanted to do was sleep. Had no interest in eating. In a matter of a week, she lost 13.2% of her total body weight. The last four weeks have been a constant cycle of high calorie feedings every two hours, and daily weigh ins at the pediatrician's office. She finally caught up to her birth weight this week. We aren't out of the woods, yet. But, things are getting better.
In any event, I wanted to be able to share something on the site, so that, if nothing else, I wouldn't feel like I gave up on my blog.
This is a post I wrote on my other site, in September of 2009, about my first daughter. She was a little over a year old at the time. Thought this would make a great Throwback Thursday post. Enjoy.
"The last few days, every time our daughter says "Mama", my wife and I both say, "Ooh ooh ooh ooh". We're hoping to have her know all the words to 'Bohemian Rhapsody' by the time she is two. We're sick like that.
Anyway, my wife was indisposed, and the baby had a poopy diaper. So, I picked up the baby and laid her down on her changing table to be changed. As I am changing her, I start singing 'Bohemian Rhapsody'. I'm doing the voices and everything. She's loving it.
I get to the "Galileo" part, and I'm zooming in and out in front of her face. She's cracking up. Her eyes are bigger than I have ever seen them. Her mouth is open wide and going back and forth between a smile and a big "O" shape.
By the time I'm singing "Let him go!", I've forgotten about putting the new diaper back on. She's hysterical. She has the hiccups from laughing so hard, and is clapping.
Then comes the greatest line of one of the most legendary rock songs ever written: "Beelzebub has a devil put a side for me...for meeee.....FOR MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Just as I hit the high note, my daughter's face goes from a look of pure joy to "I'm not so sure about this".
Suddenly, thick chunky dark green sludge launched about eight inches out of my daughter's mouth. It covers my arms, my hands, her stomach, shirt, face and hair. My first thought: "HOLY FUCK!". Second thought: "Jimi Hendrix, Jimi Hendrix". My daughter was still on her back and she was choking on her own vomit. I turned her over on her stomach, gave her a couple of good thwacks on the back until she started breathing OK, and stood her up.
I was as cool and as calm as could be, like I had done this a hundred times. Any other time, I would have been blowing chunks all over the bedroom, but I grabbed a handful of baby wipes, and started cleaning the little squirt down. This was the first time she had puked and was old enough to be aware of what was going on. I was cleaning her off. She looked at me, slowly looked down at herself, and yelled "Mama". And into the shower she went.
I was so proud of myself. I handled it like a pro. Almost more like a roadie than a dad. Let's put it this way...if I would have been on Janis Joplin's detail, she'd probably still be alive."
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